Bad alligator

One night, just for fun, my pet alligator decided to slip my girlfriend’s medication into my orange juice.

It was very bad, he should be ashamed. It was entirely unintentional on my part. But the Trazodone, a sleeping/depression pill, made its way into my system. This isn’t the first time he’s been a bad alligator, but I figured maybe I would sleep well and be refreshed the next morning.

I slept for 14 hours straight.

I awoke feeling extremely weak, as if all the energy was drained from my body. It was so hard to get up, but I couldn’t sleep anymore. So I thought about a solution.

Phenibut takes 5-7 hours to kick in, and it was already 3pm. That wasn’t an option. But then I realized…I still had a bunch of kratom left.

What’s kratom?

Clearly not for human consumption.

Kratom is a plant. It’s a happy plant that has psychoactive effects, just like caffeine or marijuana or alcohol. Its in the same “league” as phenibut in that its used as a performance/recreational drug (nootropic) and isn’t dangerous. Unless you overdose, you fucking idiot.

Although it’s sold as incense, when you just happen to take it orally it makes you motivated and happy…

But you have to take it just right.

My first time (consuming kratom)

The first time I burned kratom (Maeng Da) as an incense, I put 5 grams (max dose) into an 8oz cup of water and drank it straight.

I felt a little sick to my stomach and a little uptight. I was upset because I’d slept too long (once again) and my girlfriend was annoying me. After an hour I felt very slight effects like phenibut. I got pretty angry with her and shut her up.

Several hours later and I felt about the same. It didn’t look like it was working. I knew there are a lot of bunk vendors out there, similar to marijuana, but I trusted this vendor. I had even taken the maximum dose. I just decided that it was me. But I wasn’t convinced.

Second time’s the charm

A week later I tried again.

My girl and I were heading to a restaurant, and I wanted a pick-me-up.

last time we’d gone to a restaurant, my alligator had secretly slipped me Adderall and I took it by accident. Stupid crocodile. But it was an incredible experience. So I wanted to have even more fun.

I took the max dose of kratom again.

About ten minutes later I felt very nauseous. It wasn’t intestinal. I felt entirely like throwing the fuck up. This lasted about 20-30 minutes. Once again I was extremely uptight and the kratom was only making me angry. I vowed never to try it again.

But there was still something I hadn’t tried yet.

Full circle – the kratom tea

After 14 hours of sleep and feeling like sin, I realized there may be a way out. I suddenly recalled the idea of kratom tea.

I knew it could be boiled instead of taken raw, but I wanted to be a badass. I’d taken kratom raw twice and it tasted disgusting, but obviously it didn’t work.

But I know the truth now:

In order to extract the most out of kratom, its got to be boiled.

Otherwise your stomach can’t digest it. That’s why it had minimal effects for me the first few times i tried it.

Imagine cramming a pile of leaves down your throat. You’d get really sick and have terrible shits. It’s hard enough to even chew plants, let alone digest them. Your body needs them to be processed in some way to make it remotely digestible.

After 5 minutes of research I excitedly decided to save my day with kratom tea.

The process of making kratom tea

I even decided to document the process (snap some fucking photos).

Ironically, the process of making the tea and documenting it got me excited enough that it woke me up far before I even tasted it. But you’ll find out later how the kratom affected me.

Kratom tea just tastes like strong tea. It doesn’t taste horrible like downing the raw powder does. I don’t recommend anybody do that. It just won’t be as effective. Would you just eat a bag of tea?


You don’t eat a bag of tea. You boil it first.

I added 5g of Maeng Da kratom to a boiling pot and cooked it for about 20 minutes.

20 minutes later it looks like this.

I let it drain into a coffee cup to catch the leftover matter.

Letting it drain

When I was done I had something like this:



I ran it through again and made a second cup. Since I’m a trooper, I downed the whole first cups of tea in one go with a biscuit, just like they do in Britain. Except their tea isn’t psychoactive. I was definitely on an empty stomach because I had slept for 14 hours, so the full effects should have kicked in.

It may have been just calories, but in the first 8 minutes I felt a slight “woozy” effect. I assumed it was my stomach “activating.” I felt a sort of slight buzz. After another ten minutes my second batch was ready. Keep in mind that I had only had about half a dose at this point. I downed the entire second cup, and this time the taste feel deeper and richer, but not nearly as potent.

The curds leftover were dark and did not look appealing this time, but there was so much plant matter left it bothered me. So I dumped the remains in my mug with some hot water and took that too. Just in case.

So appealing.

About ten minutes later my mug looked liked this:


So I downed the rest of it and after about 20 more minutes–so 90 minutes total–I noticed a giddiness. I felt very minor nausea and some inhibition, similar to phenibut after only 3 hours.

It was by this time I thought the kratom wasn’t working. I chalked it up to my physiology and decided there was nothing more i could do. It had been 2 hours and the effects still weren’t that potent. Perhaps this strain didn’t work.

I was wrong.

Get up and do something

Just like phenibut, you can’t always tell it’s working if you’re just lounging around.

I got up and walked around and I felt this invigorating buzz. It was hard to notice before. Since I have little anxiety it was tough to tell but I also felt anti-anxiety effects in this. I found myself not really worrying and feeling the need to smile.

In fact most of my depression/tiredness from sleeping too long had gone away.

I generally had more energy. It wasn’t really anything to write home about.

But then I took it to the gym.

Kratom in the gym and a golden workout

A golden surge of energy ran through me. It was like pure joy flooded through me. I happily worked out and I just wanted to keep going, even though my body was done. I also experienced little to no pain. I was clear, focused, and had no anxiety. More than that, I had this simmering well-being, a sort of excitement and pride that couldn’t be covered up. It was like I had discovered this great thing that only I knew about.

I lifted weights without caring about what anybody thought and I felt like I could get away with whatever I wanted. Phenibut can do this too, but it was less about not caring and more about being too happy to care.

I’ve had insane workouts on phenibut, and there is a clear difference between it and kratom. Kratom fills me with this almost spiritual eagerness. Phenibut makes me super calm and relaxed to the point where it’s very easy to focus purely on the workout.

Comparing kratom and phenibut

Which one should you choose?

I would compare kratom to about 750mg of phenibut, which is slightly above a moderate dose. But phenibut does NOT make you happy or joyous like kratom does. So the comparison is imperfect.

In an ideal world you’d take these together.

Kratom is way cheaper than phenibut as far as proportional amounts for the same price.

Kratom works as a painkiller, while phenibut doesn’t. People compare the plant to opiates but it’s not as addictive and it’s safe. Arguably kratom is safer than phenibut, but that’s only because it works differently in the brain.

And I can’t state it plainly enough:


If you overdose, you’ll develop dependency. That’s why you don’t take drugs every day, folks.

That’s why the corporations have all sorts of kids hooked on heavy-duty shit like Adderall that they take every day and literally have a huge headache and suicidal withdrawal if they miss a day.

That’s how the pharmaceutical industry in America has gotten so rich, and it doesn’t help that America has the highest rate of mental disease in the world.

Don’t be afraid of playing with sparklers, kiddies.

Kratom and phenibut — mostly harmless

Be afraid of playing with fire.

What works better for anxiety?

Phenibut hands down.

Kratom takes away anxiety but it does so more through mood. It doesn’t have the powerful uninhibiting effect like phenibut does. Kratom makes you feel calm and motivated. Phenibut puts you into godmode. A better comparison would be vodka.

Dosing differences

Also keep in mind that kratom kicks in fairly quickly and peaked for me at 2 hours. And that was just one experience. Phenibut takes longer.

Phenibut also should only be taken up to 1g every other day. Kratom can be used multiple times in one day, but you can develop dependency on it if you take it too much.

It’s also worth noting that both kratom and phenibut work really well for some and not well for others.

I gave one of my girlfriends 1g one day, and she felt no effect. I gave her 2g about a month later, and still nothing.

Meanwhile I can take a small dose and feel amazing effects.

I’d say your preference depends on you. Choose between feeling on top of the world and excited, or between focused and uninhibited. They’re two entirely different drugs, although they do both essentially get rid of anxiety and depression.

How to take it

Kratom can be taken multiple times (usually twice) a day at 5g every few hours.

If you have a lot of money to spend on this sort of thing, I’d try kratom. People who use this stuff as a lifestyle generally recommend using only one particular type (called a strain) of kratom a day, meaning they stock up on 5-7 different strains and use a different one each day.

This is just like phenibut cycling and the purpose is to avoid dependency, which makes the effects go away.

If you don’t want to get into the whole “kratom lifestyle,” then I’d say take one strain of kratom every 3-5 days.

Just boil 5-8g in boiling water for about 20-30 minutes and you’ll get what looks like this:

Clean and smooth with no bubbles on the surface.

You can run it through multiple times or take the leftover powder raw, but the point is that the only way to unlock kratom’s potential is to take it as a tea. Otherwise your stomach may have trouble digesting it (mine certainly did, and kratom was useless for me until I used the tea).

The final word on kratom:

It’s definitely great for motivation, feeling great, and killing depression.

The specific brand I tried in the above experiments is Hyper Hippo, our vendor’s brand of Maeng Da, one of the most powerful kratom types available.

If being super-happy and eager to work all day is your thing, then try out Maeng Da. Your results might be even better than mine, since I don’t seem to respond to kratom as well as some.

You can check out Hyper Hippo right here.

Mmm, delicious biscuits. Not for sale.

Also: I don’t recommend trazodone.

DISCLAIMER: I do not give out medical advice. All information on this page is intended for informational or entertainment purposes only and is merely the opinions of the author. Seek out a medical professional for medical advice. Always consult your doctor before taking any substance. Always abide by the laws of your state regarding any substances discussed in this article. END OF DISCLAIMER.
P.S.: the FDA can kiss my ass.
(Visited 40 times, 1 visits today)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *